Tuesday, September 8, 2009
"Eliminate the stress from your life"
I have always found that suggestion to be funny when it came to me. As a general rule, yes for health reasons eliminating stress in your life seems very much possible. But for people like me, it will probably not happen, or at least not happen any time soon. It's not just one or two things that causes me to stress, it's EVERYTHING. It's life as a whole. Anything from not going to bed by a certain time, to having to give a public presentation. It WILL cause me to stress.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Symptoms
I REALLY need to get this checked out because I have absolutely no idea what is wrong with me or if it's dangerous.
-Breathing is a struggle. Feels like I'm trying to take a deep breath with a straw.
-Constant headaches (already went to the doctors for this about 9 years ago but all they could tell me is its probably stress. Had tests done and everything.)
-Standing up makes me lightheaded and weak but won't go away even after a few seconds.
-Most of the time I need to lean against something for support otherwise I feel like I'm going to pass out.
-Dreams where someone or something is trying to hurt me and all I can do is run and hide.
-Always feeling weak.
-Always feeling worn out.
-My body feels like its 60 years older than I actually am.
-Everything is a struggle, even just walking to the kitchen or doing some dishes.
I just want to pass out.
-Breathing is a struggle. Feels like I'm trying to take a deep breath with a straw.
-Constant headaches (already went to the doctors for this about 9 years ago but all they could tell me is its probably stress. Had tests done and everything.)
-Standing up makes me lightheaded and weak but won't go away even after a few seconds.
-Most of the time I need to lean against something for support otherwise I feel like I'm going to pass out.
-Dreams where someone or something is trying to hurt me and all I can do is run and hide.
-Always feeling weak.
-Always feeling worn out.
-My body feels like its 60 years older than I actually am.
-Everything is a struggle, even just walking to the kitchen or doing some dishes.
I just want to pass out.
Friday, July 24, 2009
What's my problem now?
I don't know what the deal is with me. This has been going on for some time now but today was really bad. My energy level is ok but for some reason just about anything I do makes me extremely weak. Today I had to just lay down because I got dizzy whenever I moved around. If I stand up I feel like I'm going to blackout. If I'm washing dishes I have no stop numerous times to breathe and regain my strength or something. Taking a shower is even too much effort. I walk around like I'm an old lady because everything I do takes so much out of me, too much. And it's not because I'm old, or even the heat, so I don't know what my problem is. I just hate doing doing everything and feeling like I will pass out because my body can't handle it. I feel sickly. This is ridiculous =/
Friday, July 3, 2009
A letter
This is an e-mail I'm considering sending to a friend of mine who has a "know it all attitude" when it comes to human behavior and mental illness.
There are several reasons why I haven't called you back. First you need to understand that I have an extremely difficult time calling or speaking to almost anyone on the phone. My anxiety is so bad that I have attacks every day. I have a problem with my breathing that lasts all day long, and I can't do a lot of things that most people don't even have to think twice about doing. I realize how ridiculous all of this sounds which is why I really need you to try to understand. I don't choose to feel this way. And if I could just get over it, I would instantly.
I wish there were a less blunt way to put all this but I think if I tried to sugarcoat it, the importance behind my telling you won't be there.
A while ago when I showed you my blog on my anxiety and panic, rather than being understanding of it, you were pretty insensitive of my problem. Obviously you have an interest in the behaviors and mental illness of people since that's what you plan to major in, but just because someone has read these things from a book or even participates in studies, it doesn't mean they know how it truly feels to be forced to live with this condition on a day-to-day basis and have it be so severe that it completely interrupts your life. Some people have it worse than others. As you should know there are different types of anxiety but can be very individualized.
Yes, there is treatment, and yes there are therapists to see in order for it to be less severe. But again, many therapists have studied but may not actually have real-life experience with these issues. Just as there are different types of anxiety, there are different types of therapists, not all of whom are qualified to be actual practitioners.
Consider this: I read things on parenting to help me try to better prepare myself before I have children. Since I do read these things and learn different techniques, am I qualified to tell other parents how to raise their children or what they're doing wrong? No. For starters, I'm not a parent. But I have to also put into consideration that I only read it, and there different aspects as to why they choose to raise, discipline, whatever, THEIR children. I could however, maybe, possibly give advice, but I'm still not qualified no matter how knowledgeable I feel that I am. Even if I am a parent and the things I read do work, it isn't my place to say anything unless they specifically come to me for advice.
I'm not saying treatment is a waste of time or shouldn't be pursued, but it's not as simple as making a "go/don't go" decision. If it were, anyone who is on medication or going through therapy should not be suffering so severely from mental illness. From first-hand experience, I know many people who are on medication and going through therapy for this type of condition, but oftentimes, treatment makes no difference at all.
As a friend, I had hoped that you would realize that I have no enjoyment living with this condition every single day. And I especially dislike being judged by people just because they don't understand. If you only truly knew how much of a struggle it is to wake up every morning, your attitude towards it would completely change.
If you're going to be a therapist, you're going to need to learn to be more sensitive about these aspects rather than being so judgmental by "sticking to the book" which in turn would probably make the person feel worse. It's one thing to have people who aren't close to you not understand or even want to, but it's even worse to have those who are close to you act that way.
I have enough people in my life who are ignorant of mental illnesses, and I don't need another one who is actually supposed to be knowledgeable in it but has forgotten how to be a friend. Compassion and understanding is what I sought from you as a friend, but you've chosen to be clinically cold as a friend and future therapist. That is something I feel you should give some serious thought to.
Even those in the medical field take this condition very seriously, and are compassionate towards people who are faced with dealing with it.
You read it, but I live it.
There are several reasons why I haven't called you back. First you need to understand that I have an extremely difficult time calling or speaking to almost anyone on the phone. My anxiety is so bad that I have attacks every day. I have a problem with my breathing that lasts all day long, and I can't do a lot of things that most people don't even have to think twice about doing. I realize how ridiculous all of this sounds which is why I really need you to try to understand. I don't choose to feel this way. And if I could just get over it, I would instantly.
I wish there were a less blunt way to put all this but I think if I tried to sugarcoat it, the importance behind my telling you won't be there.
A while ago when I showed you my blog on my anxiety and panic, rather than being understanding of it, you were pretty insensitive of my problem. Obviously you have an interest in the behaviors and mental illness of people since that's what you plan to major in, but just because someone has read these things from a book or even participates in studies, it doesn't mean they know how it truly feels to be forced to live with this condition on a day-to-day basis and have it be so severe that it completely interrupts your life. Some people have it worse than others. As you should know there are different types of anxiety but can be very individualized.
Yes, there is treatment, and yes there are therapists to see in order for it to be less severe. But again, many therapists have studied but may not actually have real-life experience with these issues. Just as there are different types of anxiety, there are different types of therapists, not all of whom are qualified to be actual practitioners.
Consider this: I read things on parenting to help me try to better prepare myself before I have children. Since I do read these things and learn different techniques, am I qualified to tell other parents how to raise their children or what they're doing wrong? No. For starters, I'm not a parent. But I have to also put into consideration that I only read it, and there different aspects as to why they choose to raise, discipline, whatever, THEIR children. I could however, maybe, possibly give advice, but I'm still not qualified no matter how knowledgeable I feel that I am. Even if I am a parent and the things I read do work, it isn't my place to say anything unless they specifically come to me for advice.
I'm not saying treatment is a waste of time or shouldn't be pursued, but it's not as simple as making a "go/don't go" decision. If it were, anyone who is on medication or going through therapy should not be suffering so severely from mental illness. From first-hand experience, I know many people who are on medication and going through therapy for this type of condition, but oftentimes, treatment makes no difference at all.
As a friend, I had hoped that you would realize that I have no enjoyment living with this condition every single day. And I especially dislike being judged by people just because they don't understand. If you only truly knew how much of a struggle it is to wake up every morning, your attitude towards it would completely change.
If you're going to be a therapist, you're going to need to learn to be more sensitive about these aspects rather than being so judgmental by "sticking to the book" which in turn would probably make the person feel worse. It's one thing to have people who aren't close to you not understand or even want to, but it's even worse to have those who are close to you act that way.
I have enough people in my life who are ignorant of mental illnesses, and I don't need another one who is actually supposed to be knowledgeable in it but has forgotten how to be a friend. Compassion and understanding is what I sought from you as a friend, but you've chosen to be clinically cold as a friend and future therapist. That is something I feel you should give some serious thought to.
Even those in the medical field take this condition very seriously, and are compassionate towards people who are faced with dealing with it.
You read it, but I live it.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Whatever
It has become more than obvious now how I can tell if someone is suffering from anxiety, panic, depression, OCD, anything like that or if they know someone close that does. Their response to it makes it more than clear because someone truly understanding of it would be supportive and sensitive to the issue.
Yes, there are treatments that CAN work and help someone live a little more normally. However, just because someone goes through therapy, takes medication, or a mixture of both does not mean it will magically go away or even help because we're all different. If that were the case, no one should be experiencing these things.
And just because someone has studied these issues does not mean they actually know what they are talking about. Reading something out of a book is completely different from experiencing it first hand or even seeing the effects on someone else.
Even medical professionals take this very seriously.
Yes, there are treatments that CAN work and help someone live a little more normally. However, just because someone goes through therapy, takes medication, or a mixture of both does not mean it will magically go away or even help because we're all different. If that were the case, no one should be experiencing these things.
And just because someone has studied these issues does not mean they actually know what they are talking about. Reading something out of a book is completely different from experiencing it first hand or even seeing the effects on someone else.
Even medical professionals take this very seriously.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Thinking TOO Much
My mind is constantly racing. From the moment I wake up till the moment I fall asleep my mind is racing. That's the reason I'm still up right now typing this post because if I don't I will never be able to fall asleep. I will just keep going over, and over, and over in my mind what I want to say until I've had enough and just get up and do it.
I can't even explain what I'm thinking most of the time because it's just too much racing by in my mind all at once. As I type this I'm saying in my head exactly what I'm going to type out but in the "background" of my mind there are so many unclear thoughts and images going by that I can't make any of it out.
If I were to fall asleep right now and wake up in an hour my mind will instantly start racing again. I don't know how to stop it. It's gotten so bad that I can't even answer a simple question without looking too much into it and all of the possible answers there could be for it.
I make things complicated because I think too much. I can't sleep because I think too much. I can't concentrate because I think too much. I can't even watch a movie or tv program without pointing out everything wrong with it because I think too much. The more I type this, the more excited I get, and the more I start thinking!
Some people don't think enough. I think too much.
I can't even explain what I'm thinking most of the time because it's just too much racing by in my mind all at once. As I type this I'm saying in my head exactly what I'm going to type out but in the "background" of my mind there are so many unclear thoughts and images going by that I can't make any of it out.
If I were to fall asleep right now and wake up in an hour my mind will instantly start racing again. I don't know how to stop it. It's gotten so bad that I can't even answer a simple question without looking too much into it and all of the possible answers there could be for it.
I make things complicated because I think too much. I can't sleep because I think too much. I can't concentrate because I think too much. I can't even watch a movie or tv program without pointing out everything wrong with it because I think too much. The more I type this, the more excited I get, and the more I start thinking!
Some people don't think enough. I think too much.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Hassle living life
No matter what I do, anything from sitting down while on the computer, walking, washing dishes, to doing my job as a Massage Therapist, I become light headed, dizzy, and exhausted due to the fact that I can't breathe properly. I have to rest each time this happens and if I push myself to do more I don't know if I'm putting myself at risk for something worse happening. As the days and weeks go on I can slowly feel myself getting worse. It's a hassle to be so limited in just living my everyday life. I feel trapped and completely worthless knowing I can't do what I should be doing at my age. At least those close to me undertand that I have limitations. I hate knowing that just vacuuming my house could cause me to passout because I have something wrong. As I sit here typing this post, I feel so out of it.
No peace
I'm thinking of changing the name of this blog to something not so cut and dry. Is that the right saying? Well either way I'm changing it to something else so I can talk about more than just anxiety and panic.
Today, after speaking with someone who has these things in her life, I have finally been able to figure out why one thing I deal with happens and possibly the explanation of something else. Do you follow?
For a while now, not even sure how long, I have had a problem waking up. Not every time but more than I would like. Before knowing the actual "condition" I would normally have to describe what I experience. Before I fully wake up yet completely aware, I can't move or say anything. I feel like I'm actually paralyzed. Granted it only lasts for a short time, seconds or minutes, but that time feels like forever. Turns out I have whats called "Sleep Paralysis" and the name basically says it all. You're paralyzed but only for a short time. And it can happen at two different times, when you're falling asleep and when you're waking up. For me its when I'm waking up. It's a horrible feeling, and kind of scary. It's not harmful but still not a pleasant way to wake up especially considering I feel stressed out and panicky.
My other problem is nightmares. Over the past week or so I have been having intense nightmares which cause me to wake suddenly in the middle of the night, sweaty (nice thought, huh), stressed, scared, and panicky. Again, not pleasant. But more than these nighttime nightmares, I get them in the daytime. If I for whatever reason take a nap during the day I will without a doubt have one of these daytime nightmares, and I wake up the exact same way. I can't seem to get any peace, awake or sleeping.
Today, after speaking with someone who has these things in her life, I have finally been able to figure out why one thing I deal with happens and possibly the explanation of something else. Do you follow?
For a while now, not even sure how long, I have had a problem waking up. Not every time but more than I would like. Before knowing the actual "condition" I would normally have to describe what I experience. Before I fully wake up yet completely aware, I can't move or say anything. I feel like I'm actually paralyzed. Granted it only lasts for a short time, seconds or minutes, but that time feels like forever. Turns out I have whats called "Sleep Paralysis" and the name basically says it all. You're paralyzed but only for a short time. And it can happen at two different times, when you're falling asleep and when you're waking up. For me its when I'm waking up. It's a horrible feeling, and kind of scary. It's not harmful but still not a pleasant way to wake up especially considering I feel stressed out and panicky.
My other problem is nightmares. Over the past week or so I have been having intense nightmares which cause me to wake suddenly in the middle of the night, sweaty (nice thought, huh), stressed, scared, and panicky. Again, not pleasant. But more than these nighttime nightmares, I get them in the daytime. If I for whatever reason take a nap during the day I will without a doubt have one of these daytime nightmares, and I wake up the exact same way. I can't seem to get any peace, awake or sleeping.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Ugh!
I hate anxiety! I know that goes without saying but still, UGH! For hours, no days, I have had basically non stop anxiety. I constantly feel like something is pressing down on my throat! I'm frustrated by this, which just causes more anxiety and panic. I need some kind of relief, and fast!
:(
:(
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Day after day anxiety
Today, or should I say tonight, is Tuesday and I've been having a constant breathing problem since Saturday with no hope in sight with on and off anxiety attacks. I guess I should be thankful they're not panic attacks, which I also get very frequently.
Today was a little different than most though. For a short while I became very lightheaded but almost felt like I was about to pass out, everything got dark. Thankfully that passed quickly. I'm not sure if this is connected with any of this or just coincidental, but last year I had a few blackouts which caused me to pass out while doing something. I think that happened about 5 times all within a few months. It may have been the heat because it was the summer, our summers have been pretty hot, and I haven't passed out since. So yeah, thinking about it now it may not be anything, I was just wondering because of today.
Anyways, on a side note. My wrist on my right hand has been bothering me for 3 days now. I have a numb feeling in the wrist, with a numb and throbbing pain that affects my hand and part of my arm. Apparently my strength is still there, it's just a bit of a struggle to have a firm grip. The pain goes away only if I apply pressure.
Fun stuff.
Today was a little different than most though. For a short while I became very lightheaded but almost felt like I was about to pass out, everything got dark. Thankfully that passed quickly. I'm not sure if this is connected with any of this or just coincidental, but last year I had a few blackouts which caused me to pass out while doing something. I think that happened about 5 times all within a few months. It may have been the heat because it was the summer, our summers have been pretty hot, and I haven't passed out since. So yeah, thinking about it now it may not be anything, I was just wondering because of today.
Anyways, on a side note. My wrist on my right hand has been bothering me for 3 days now. I have a numb feeling in the wrist, with a numb and throbbing pain that affects my hand and part of my arm. Apparently my strength is still there, it's just a bit of a struggle to have a firm grip. The pain goes away only if I apply pressure.
Fun stuff.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Why now?
I'm currently struggling to breathe as I type this post. Thought this would take my mind off of it but the fact that my internet is being difficult completely defeated that purpose. Over the past few days I actually thought I was getting better. Turns out I was wrong. I had a mild anxiety attack about 4 hours ago, and I'm still struggling to breathe because of it.
I was watching tv about an hour ago and for whatever reason I started to get anxious. Nothing new or surprising, just irritating that I get that way over basically nothing. My head is killing me now, probably from the lack of oxygen. Got lightheaded a few times and now I'm feeling weak. Ugh.
Each time I'm able to take a normal "comfortable" breath I suddenly feel relieved, but that relief is instantly followed by more of that anxious feeling because a function that should come naturally, isn't working properly.
I can't understand why I've gotten this way. I feel like such a drama queen and kind of embarrassed by the fact that I get so worked up over the smallest things we all encounter daily. I have experienced traumatic things in my life just like everyone else. Some things worse, and somethings not as bad. All things I thought never really had an affect on me. Things I thought I was over.
So why now, after almost 23 years of life?
I was watching tv about an hour ago and for whatever reason I started to get anxious. Nothing new or surprising, just irritating that I get that way over basically nothing. My head is killing me now, probably from the lack of oxygen. Got lightheaded a few times and now I'm feeling weak. Ugh.
Each time I'm able to take a normal "comfortable" breath I suddenly feel relieved, but that relief is instantly followed by more of that anxious feeling because a function that should come naturally, isn't working properly.
I can't understand why I've gotten this way. I feel like such a drama queen and kind of embarrassed by the fact that I get so worked up over the smallest things we all encounter daily. I have experienced traumatic things in my life just like everyone else. Some things worse, and somethings not as bad. All things I thought never really had an affect on me. Things I thought I was over.
So why now, after almost 23 years of life?
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Nothing new
Well today was a pretty mild day. Just the usual struggle to breathe. I've had to stop what I was doing multiple times to focus and because of feeling lightheaded, but other than that I was "ok". As ok as I can be I suppose. Although, I have been having sharp pains all over my body, that's new. Also bad headaches for about a week which has lead me to take pain killers more often than I like. I have headaches so often that I try not to take anything for them unless I absolutely need to. And for the past week, I've had to. Ugh.
A little background on my headaches. I've had one literally everyday since I was 13. So that's over 10 years of constant headaches. WOW. What a hassle for a young kid, huh? Went to the doctors a few times when this first started, had CT scans done, put on medication, nothing worked. They said they found nothing wrong and that it's probably due to stress. Stress makes sense now considering my anxiety and panic causes me to get overly stressed over basically nothing. I just don't remember feeling those things back then, its more of a newer problem I think.
I rather feel like I did back then than I do now, obviously. Being stressed is one thing. But being stressed, anxious, and panicking over everyday life is just a pain. Now I'm more restricted in what I can do without having an attack. Sometimes nothing at all will trigger an attack. Hopefully I'll be able to learn to deal better soon so I can just get on with my life and and not feel so trapped! It's so frustrating because I feel completely helpless and I know it's frustrating for everyone around me.
I guess overall, today was a "good day". HA! The next time I have an attack I'll look back on a day like today and wish I felt this good. How sad is that....ugh
A little background on my headaches. I've had one literally everyday since I was 13. So that's over 10 years of constant headaches. WOW. What a hassle for a young kid, huh? Went to the doctors a few times when this first started, had CT scans done, put on medication, nothing worked. They said they found nothing wrong and that it's probably due to stress. Stress makes sense now considering my anxiety and panic causes me to get overly stressed over basically nothing. I just don't remember feeling those things back then, its more of a newer problem I think.
I rather feel like I did back then than I do now, obviously. Being stressed is one thing. But being stressed, anxious, and panicking over everyday life is just a pain. Now I'm more restricted in what I can do without having an attack. Sometimes nothing at all will trigger an attack. Hopefully I'll be able to learn to deal better soon so I can just get on with my life and and not feel so trapped! It's so frustrating because I feel completely helpless and I know it's frustrating for everyone around me.
I guess overall, today was a "good day". HA! The next time I have an attack I'll look back on a day like today and wish I felt this good. How sad is that....ugh
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
A new beginning
Yes, I have ANOTHER blog. I don't know if it's because I'm self centered, obsessed, or if it's just apart of my OCD, but I've always had the need and want to have numerous amounts of the same thing. And the amount varies depending on the item.
ANYWAYS, the purpose of this blog is to record anything regarding my anxiety, stress, panic, and attacks that come along. This idea was given to me by my mom a few months ago and on more than one occasion I've started a log, did one entry, then somehow forgot about them. So I have different "logs" floating around everywhere with one entry each. I decided that a good way for me to actually keep up with this is to do it on here. I check my blog all the time so I figured this should be the best place for me to jot all my "episodes", or whatever you wanna call them, down.
ANYWAYS, the purpose of this blog is to record anything regarding my anxiety, stress, panic, and attacks that come along. This idea was given to me by my mom a few months ago and on more than one occasion I've started a log, did one entry, then somehow forgot about them. So I have different "logs" floating around everywhere with one entry each. I decided that a good way for me to actually keep up with this is to do it on here. I check my blog all the time so I figured this should be the best place for me to jot all my "episodes", or whatever you wanna call them, down.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
